Theres Something Seriously Wrong with These People
by closeyourmouthkristenstewart
Summary: Sequel to What The Heck is Wrong with These People. If you haven't read it, you won't understand this one. Bonus x-mas material inside! Super funny, you'll appreciate it if you're twisted like us! Rated T for the mental image of Carlisle in a Speedo.
1. Chapter 1: Holiday Special!

OMG IT'S A SEQUEL!!!

Yup, this is a sequel to "What the Heck is Wrong With these People?" if you haven't read it yet, you should. Otherwise, you won't get it.

By the way, if you don't celebrate Christmas, we don't want to hear you complaining about being "politically correct" because WE DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT!!! YAAAA!!! SANDWICHES!!!

Anyway, enjoy! :)

~Emmy and Maddie~

Emaddie POV

"WORK FASTER, ROSALIMMELISLEMESPERWARD!" I yelled at her, angry at her slow-paced labor. "WE HAVE A HOUSE TO DECORATE!"

"But I gotta pee!" she yelled, tangled in the Christmas lights.

"Here, catch!" I told her, throwing a bottle up the ladder she was on.

"What's this for?" she stared at the bottle like she was expecting it to warp into a dog.

"To pee in, idiot!"

"EEEEWWWW!!!" she screamed, throwing the bottle back to me.

"Suit yourself, because you don't get a break until all of it is done!"

"Why don't you help?" she glared at me.

"I _am_ helping!" I told her. "I'm supervising!"

"Oh, good point…" she said, staring into space. "Hey, where are you going?"

"To pee," I said, as I walked into the house to find Jasper looking around. "Hey, Uncle Jasper, what'cha doin? "

"Trying to find my Patrick Swayze Poster. He's yummy." He walked off, searching in the ladybug exhibition room. "Aha!" He skipped out of the room and into the bathroom. I didn't want to know what he was gonna do in there.

I walked upstairs into momma's bathroom, but she was already in there, gnawing on Daddy's favorite My Little Pony doll. I sighed and decided to just go in Esme's prized shrub. It wasn't like anyone was going to see me. As I stepped outside, I noticed that all of the high school kids were conveniently playing duck, duck, goose in our backyard.

I knew that this meant one thing: I had to use the Forbidden Bathroom. Momma said that it belonged to a guy whose name rhymed with Schmedward and that he was super gay, whatever that means. Now it belongs to Jasper and no one goes in there but him.

As I approached the hot pink door covered with caution tape, I stopped to take a reflection on life before I plunged into the unknown depths of Jasper's bathroom. Nothing would ever be the same after that trip. And with that, I stepped inside.

Before I knew it, I was bombarded with the reek of Clinique Happy. It clung to my clothes and my hair. I nearly gagged at the terribly girly smell. I was horrified at all of the boy band posters dated all the way back to the sixteen hundreds. One was called the "Ballroom Boys." I resisted the urge to scream bloody murder. I sat down on the toilet as fast as I could and peed. Then I remembered that I forgot to pull my pants down. I didn't care; I had to get out of there before I killed myself from all of the pink frilly things. When I finished, I ran out of there, not bothering to open the door. I felt the door crack and give out under my weight. I fell face first on the ground. Jasper stood over me, smiling. "Are you alright, Emaddie?" I then proceeded to scream, making a mad dash up the stairs.

I ran straight into my room and slammed the door. I collapsed to the ground dragging myself to the darkest corner of and room and getting in fetal position, rocking back and forth. "I like to eat, eat, eat apples and bananas," I muttered to myself over and over again, a crazed look on my face. About an hour or so later, I remembered Rosalimmelislemesperward was still outside, decorating the house.

I stood up and changed out of my soiled pants, replacing them with new ones and heading out of my room, shivering from my latest trauma. I saw Jasper looking around, lifting up the couch to look for something. "What'cha looking for, Jasper?"

He continued looking. "I was looking for Alice. I can't seem to find her anywhere."

I laughed nervously, my eyes darting around the room. "Really, I-I just saw her like, five minutes ago."

"Oh, alright, where'd you see her?" _Crap_. I thought to myself, panicking.

"Umm… she was in the… kitchen…? Looking for the… gargoyle?" I said, unsure that he would buy it. Little did I know, Rosalimmelislemesperward was such an idiot that she came back inside looking for me.

"I thought we chained her up, taped over her mouth, and strapped her to the ceiling because we wanted to decorate and not her!" Even though I kept signaling her to shut up, she kept blabbing. "Did you let her go?"

Jasper looked up to find chains hanging down and claw marks in the drywall, but no Alice.

"Doo doo cupcakes!" I screamed, running in circles. It was then that Carlisle walked in, wearing his formal Speedo. I hadn't seen this one in a while, because he usually wears his Speedo with flames on it that says "Flaming Hottie." This one was black with a big white bowtie over his "unmentionables."

"Nice Speedo, Carlisle," Jasper said, a little too girly for a guy. I mean, this is _sick._

"Thanks, I got this one at Tootsie Pop: Lingerie for Men, it was half off!"

"Ooh, smart shopper you are! Does your main 'ho ho ho' love it?"

Carlisle gave him a funny look. "What are you trying to imply? That I am a jolly man?"

Jasper rolled his eyes. "Never mind," he said, walking away.

Rosalimmelislemesperward turned to me. "We need to get Alice before she goes on a decorating rampage all over Forks. "

"You're right, we mustn't be outdone!"

Before we could make a start for the door, Carlisle stopped us. "Nuh-uh, girls, I know what you did to Alice and you aren't going anywhere. Go to your rooms, now."

"But we were doing good for her sanity! Don't you remember what happened last Christmas?" I said sweetly, going into flashback mode.

_Garland completely covering the ceiling. Dozens of trees, nailed to the wall, sticking straight out. Ornaments were everywhere, one after another, after another. Enough lights to make a blind man see, an epileptic man seizing on the floor. Alice crouched in the corner, pupils dilated, twitching at the slightest movement._

"Are you in some hippy dippy mushroom flashback, or something?" Carlisle said, jolting me back to reality.

"Um, I guess," I said, unsure of what that was.

"Whatever. To your rooms, NOW!" He yelled, and we could tell he was serious. It's a shame he didn't know that we had built secret doors just for dramatic escapades such as this one.

The two of us stood on the side of a road, thumbing for a ride. A Volkswagen Van pulls up to us and a window rolls down. A hippie stared back at us, a dopey grin on his face. "The name is Wavy Gravy, come on in."

"Wavy Gravy?" Rosalimmelislemesperward said, like she was expecting more.

"That's my name, don't wear it out."

"Wait, how can you wear a name out?" she asked. Wavy Gravy pondered that for a moment. He concentrated so hard, he seemed constipated. I sighed and got in the van, Rosalimmelislemesperward following. Most of our trip was silent until Wavy Gravy turned around to look at us.

"Whoa, since when have you guys gotten in my car?" he asked.

I gave him a funny look. "Uh, we've been in here for about twenty minutes."

"Oh, well it's nice to meet you, I'm Wavy Gravy." This happened three more times. I was ready to take Wavy Gravy and punt him across a football field and then run him over with a steamroller ten thousand times. Eventually, I screamed at him to pull over and we got out, conveniently right next to a home Christmas light decorating business.

"What are we going to do to compete with Alice? We don't have anything to decorate with!"

"Oh yes we do," I told her, looking at the business with ideas churning in my head.

"I know that look!" Rosalimmelislemesperward stated. "You have… a burrito in your pocket!" she looked longingly at my pocket, and then tried to tackle me, reaching for it.

"No, stupid," I said, shoving her off of me. "I have a _plan_."

Rosalimmelislemesperward POV

I zoned out as Emaddie intercepted a van coming into the parking lot. Next thing I knew, I was in a uniform for a decorating service, a fake mustache on my lip, and riding in the passenger's seat as Emaddie drove a van from the same decorating service. After a long drive, we got out and rang the doorbell of house number one. The door opened and out came a woman with a light up Christmas sweater complete with dancing gingerbread men and reindeer.

"Oh, hi! Are you here to decorate?" she asked.

"Yes ma'am," Emaddie replied in her best manly voice. I was kind of freaked out about how deep it was. It reminded me of a tuba. _Ha-ha, tubas..._

"Alright then, do whatever you think would look best on my house, but wait, aren't you a little short to be adults?" she asked in a suspicious tone.

"Are you biased against short people?" I said in a shrill voice. Emaddie landed a hard, quick kick to the back of my leg. "OW! I mean," I cleared my throat. "Are you making fun of us because of our size? Huh?" I said in a much deeper voice, attempting to look intimidating.

It was then that we heard the screams from next door. Emaddie, looking frightened, stared at the long row of houses, all having trees sticking out from the sides.

"I think we found her," Emaddie plainly stated.

"Found who?" I was thoroughly confused, because I didn't think we were looking for anyone.

"Alice, idiot!" then I remembered why we were doing this in the first place. "We have to compete!" she screamed at me, grabbing garland and running in circles around the house to wrap it.

"Oh, right, I knew that!" I said, my voice cracking a bit. I sounded like a boy hitting puberty. The lady gave me a funny look and I smiled at her before slamming the door in her face.

I set off to work tying a giant ribbon in a bow on top of the house, along with a big inflatable Santa doing the funky chicken. I was busy hanging Christmas lights up on the next house when I began to shake. It was a small trembling at first, but it grew stronger and stronger. I was now shaking violently, and I didn't know why. I fell off of the ladder I had been standing on and landed into the snowman shaped bushes that Emaddie had created. I looked up to see Alice grinning evilly, insanity twisting and tangling up her usually neat hair. Never in my whole life had I seen Alice's hair tangled. If the slightest knot developed, she would make this weird strangled scream and run to her room with her arms flailing in the most unladylike way, not coming out for a week. It was then that I knew what was happening.

Alice had made me fall! She shook the ladder! I ran to see Emaddie sculpting a giant reindeer in record timing. Her long brown hair was starting to fall out of her hat and her mustache was only half on her face.

"Watch out for Alice, she has lost the last bit of sanity!" I called up to her.

"It's not like she had any to begin with," Emaddie said to herself while working on the antlers. She looked down at me. "Don't worry about her and just get back to work!"

I did, going quicker than I thought that I could over every house left in the neighborhood. There was lights, inflatable reindeer, bows, trees, and garland all over every house, making this usually dull street seem festive and jolly. Even Mr. Fluffernutter, the Newton's second new puppy was wrapped in lights, unable to walk.

While Alice was busy admiring her work, Emaddie pounced. She tied up Alice, but this time we let her decorate a dollhouse with string, sticks and small plants. Halfway through the drive home, I turned around to see tiny Christmas lights on the house, a little garland wreath on the door, miniature inflatable snowmen on the roof, and a small radio so the lights could flash in time with the music. To this day, I still have absolutely no idea how she did that. She was kept busy until we got to the house, though, where we shoved her in the door and ran, through our secret passageways, back to our rooms.

A few minutes later, Carlisle walked into my room.

"Alice showed up again, so you can come out now," He told me, looking quite relieved.

"Oh, alright!"

"Now that we're free, we can do some more decorating!" Emaddie said as she walked in.

"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


	2. Chapter 2: JASPER'S A GIRL?

Carlisle POV

As I got home from the hospital, I was planning on having a relaxing night at home, sitting in my cooking Speedo as I baked on my easy-bake oven. I walked in the door and I knew something was different.

"Esme? Did you rearrange the furniture again?" I yelled into the kitchen.

"No…" she said back, sounding confused.

"Did you paint the walls?"

"No!"

"Well… Did you take down those 'precious family photos' that you look like you have buck teeth in?"

"NO!!!!" she screamed. A second later I ducked out of the way of a frying pan that conveniently still had some fried fish in it. When I was picking up the fish and shoving them into my mouth, I noticed that Jasper was on the ground, screaming and writhing in pain.

"Oh my! You seem to have Screamingandwrithinginpain-itis! I know just how to fix it!" I reassured him.

"No, Carlisle!" Alice ran in with my stretcher. "He's in LABOR!"

"He doesn't even have a job…" I said, looking at her with my 'I'm the doctor' face.

"No, idiot! I have no idea how you made it as a doctor. HE IS HAVING A BABY!" she was looking at _me_ as if _I_ was the stupid one. Ignorant female.

"He's a MALE!" I screamed.

"Just take him into your doctor room and TREAT HIM LIKE A WOMAN GIVING BIRTH!" she yelled, obviously concerned. Emaddie walked in, followed by Rosalimmelislemesperward, Bella, Emmett, and Esme. They each stared at us with blank faces. After a minute or two of awkward silence and weird staring, they all sat in a circle around Jasper and started playing duck-duck-goose.

We carted Jasper into my doctor's lair and began to give him a bunch of medicines. I have no idea what most of them were, but I didn't care.

**Later….**

After 3 gruesome hours of listening to constipated grunts and girlish screams, Jasper finally gave birth to two healthy boys. While he slept off all of the trauma, Alice explained to us how Jasper was even able to have a baby in the first place.

"You see," she started while taking her legs out from behind her head. "Before any of us knew Jasper, he was a girl. An extremely prissy, frilly girl, doing ballet, taking bubble baths, and picking flowers. When the war began, girls weren't allowed to serve, so Jasper got the cheapest gender reassignment he could find in Texas. The doctor generally made him a guy, he just never removed certain, er, parts. Therefore, Jasper is able to have kids." All was silent.

"I don't get it," blurted out a confused Rosalimmelislemesperward.

"UGH! Do I have to explain everything to you, you insolent blonde?!" Emaddie shouted and leaned over to whisper in her sister's ear. When she finished, Rosalimmelislemesperward turned bright red and didn't say a word to anyone for the next three hours. All she did was bang her head against any surface she was nearest to.

Since Emmett was building a new addition to the house, he found a way to put her to good use. Whenever he needed a nail to be hammered in, he would place Rosalimmelislemesperward in front of it and let her bang it in with her head.

Bella POV

I was on my way to Gayward's room where I hide my illegal drugs (everyone is too afraid to go in there) when I saw the door to Carlisle's doctor lair open. I peeked in there to see Jasper holding his sons. They had big t-shirts on, saggy jeans, and chains. Jasper caught me staring and produced an extremely girly gasp and smiled at me.

"Would you like to hold Shaquiquionté and Shiquatro?" he asked.

"Sure!" I skipped gleefully towards him and put one in each arm. They just laid back made gang signs in my face. I didn't know babies could be so calm; Rosalimmelislemesperward and Emaddie would always have epic Pokémon battles with each other.

I looked back up at Jasper who was admiring a picture of Johnny Depp. "Which one is which?"

"Uh, the one with the Ecko shoes is Shiquatro and the one with the Ed Hardy shirt is Shaquiquionté," he replied without looking up from his picture.

I frowned. I had no idea what he was talking about. "Jasper, I don't speak gangster."

"The one on the left is Shiquatro."

"Oh." _Which way is left again?_ I held up my hands in the 'L' shape, accidentally dropping both babies. I screamed as they pulled knives out and began chasing me around the house, shouting things like "Foo! Come back here!" and "You think you can run from da Tikes?"

"What are the tikes?" I asked the infants, stopping to confront them.

"Our gang, foo!" They answered, tackling me. Then, I passed out.


	3. Chapter 3:The Evil Alliance

** Author's Note!**

** Hello, loyal readers, who are most likely hilarious people that are awesomely funny, because who else would like our plots of madness? Haha, well thank you for reading, and please, PLEASE, WITH A FRIGGIN CHERRY ON TOP (unless you don't like cherries, then you can have a strawberry, and if you don't like that, then eat some spinach for all I care, you FRUIT HATER!) REVIEW!!!!!!!!!! (please?)**

** Lotsa Love for our AWESOME ****FRUIT LOVING**** fans!**

** ~Maddie and Emmy!~**

* * *

Rosalimmelislemesperward POV

I was walking down the hall, being bossed around by Emaddie like I always am, when Emaddie tripped. I looked down at her as she got up, and I could tell the was pissed.

"_Why _did you TRIP ME?" she yelled, her face red as a sun burnt Pegasus.

"I didn't!" I yelled back, because I really hate accusations.

"Then WHY DID I FALL, idiot?" she was wiping the non-existent dirt off her pants and picking up her 'Secret Clipboard of Doom' that I was forbidden to look at. It was only then that she looked behind her and saw momma hanging from the ceiling and Jasper's new twin boys leaning against the wall, smoking Smarties and laughing like gangsters.

"What are you short kids laughing at?" Emaddie asked them, giving them the moderately-evil eye.

"Dang, girl, you be trippin!" the one on the left said.

"Yeah, Shiquatro! Gimme some skin!" the other one said, holding his hand out for the gangster equivalent of a high-five.

"Alright, whities, you had better-"

"WE AINT WHITE." Shiquatro said.

"Um, yes you are. Look at your hands," I told them, not sure if they were colorblind or not.

"Sh**, man! Shaquiquionté, we gotta get da heck outa here! There be haters in this room, and dey crampin our style!" Shiquatro said, 'stomping out' his 'cigarette'.

I looked over at Emaddie's forbidden clipboard. "Emaddie, why does your clipboard say 'Elaborate Plan to Take Over the World?'"

She looked enraged. "THIS CLIPBOARD IS FOR MY EYES ONLY!"

Shaquiquionté and Shiquatro both turned around, curious.

"Takin over the world, foo? I can dig that!" Shaquiquionté said.

"You guys wanna help? With this lazy idiot," Emaddie pointed to me, "I can barely take over the playground!"

The boys looked at each other. "I guess we can go for a little world domination," Shiquatro stated.

And that's when I knew that I was _never_ going to be freed from Emaddie's evil grasp of terror and donuts.


	4. Chapter 4: Pink Scalp Disease

Emaddie POV

I was by myself in my secret lab beneath Edward's old room. I had done some exploring and found out he had a lounge for his many males he 'entertained.' I turned it into an unknown laboratory for inventing things like, oh, incurable diseases. Such as my latest, ',' otherwise known as 'Pink Scalp Disease.'

When you have pink scalp disease, you may believe it's just a sunburn on your scalp. But a pink scalp is just the first sign. The second sign is a perfect circle of uber yucky zits on your forehead. Next, a star of blue goo will appear on your left cheek every morning. You can wipe it off, but it will come back. Next, the circle of zits turns into a smiley face shape. Next, your hands are stuck in the position of flicking someone off. After a few days, your left hand falls off altogether. And after all of these symptoms, when you are unsuspectingly sitting at a table, you will sneeze so hard you slam your head on the table, be knocked out by it, and never wake up.

After a good evil laugh, I went upstairs to reveal my disease to the Tikes.

"MINION!" I yelled as soon as I was in a safe, inconspicuous place. Rosalimmelislemesperward came running to me, zipping up her pants. "Did you wipe?" I asked, referring to her obviously coming from the bathroom mid-poo. "Or wash your hands?"

"Maybe…. May I do so now, master?" I could tell she was irritated at my decision to always call me master.

"Hmm… I'm not sure. If you don't show more respect, I might make you lick your hands clean!"

"Please no, master!" she begged me on her knees, pleading with her filthy hands.

"Ha! This is so fun. Go wipe and wash!" I ordered.

"You suck," I heard her mutter under her breath.

"I HEARD THAT!" I yelled after her as she quickened her shuffle and turned into the bathroom. I heard the sound of the door locking. I tiptoed off to find the tikes, eating a banana on the way.

"Mayne, we gotta stick togetha! I know you don't be likin them, but c'mon, chill dog! I wanna take ova da world!" I heard Shiquatro whisper-yell at Shaquiquionté.

"Well dog, I gotta feelin' that dey be haters!" Shaquiquionté replied. "But I wanna take ova da world too."

I waited until I heard a silence, then knocked on the door. "Who dat?" Shaquiquionté yelled from inside.

"Emaddie. We need to go somewhere where nobody can hear us. And quick, before Rosalimmelislemesperward comes back!" I warned them, hearing footsteps behind me, around the corner.

Suddenly, I was yanked inside the door. "She be stupid, girl. We gotta make sure she don't know, dog."

"I know," I said, rolling my eyes. I held out my disease to them. It was in a test tube labeled 'For World Overtaking Only!' in big red letters. "This is the disease we're using," I explained, filling them in on all of the symptoms.

"Dude, dat tight!" Shiquatro exclaimed when I finished.

"I'm still working on making it highly contagious. Right now, you have to share spit or something. Our first test subject shall be my mother!" I ran off into the kitchen, quickly making a smoothie and dumping the disease in it.

"Moooommmmmm?" I called out into the empty house. "Mother dearest? I made you a smoothie!" on the word smoothie, she popped out of a nearby vase, an excited expression on her face.

"What flavor?"

"Oh, ummm….." I tried to think. What did she like? "It's…. your favorite!"

"I LOVE THAT FLAVOR!" she yelled, snatching the smoothie out of my hand and downing it in less than 20 seconds. As I backed away slowly, I saw a perfect circle of reddish bumps forming on her forehead.


End file.
